In Which We Learn of the Luggertuck Lump …
Some families have beautiful jewels that are passed down from generation to generation and are taken out only to wear at coronations, jubilees, and beheadings.
Some are pearl necklaces, others emerald brooches. There are golden rings and silver lockets and ruby tiaras.
The Luggertucks had a lump.
Except it was not just a lump, it was the Lump. The Luggertuck Lump. Possibly the world's largest diamond and certainly the ugliest.
It was said that Sir Falstaff Luggertuck brought the Lump back with him from the Crusades. It did indeed look sort of like a diamond, but also a little like a rotten potato. It was said that the stone was so valuable that no jeweler dared to try making it look less like a potato, for fear of destroying nature's finest gift.
It was also said—but only in the servants' quarters and only in whispers—that the Lump was just a lump. It was ugly, it couldn't be worn, and it looked like any other rock.
Slugsalt said he pulled rocks like that out of the cabbage rows every day. However, it must be noted that Slugsalt had never actually seen the Lump.
Nevertheless, the Lump was the great treasure of the Luggertucks.
Along with Smugwick Manor, it was the only proof left that the Luggertucks were any better than the bankers, sea captains, tea merchants, and factory owners who now crowded the private clubs and fancy balls. Those people may have had money, but the Luggertucks had nobility, class, royal blood, and the Lump.
Except they didn't have the Lump anymore. The lavish Lump Room, with its massive locks and solid marble pedestal, was found empty by Crotty herself.
Can it be any wonder, then, that M'Lady Luggertuck was heard to cry, "Send for Portnoy St. Pomfrey, the Greatest Detective in all of England!"