"It's must-see TV! Literally. You have to watch it—or face large fines and possibly imprisonment."
—TAGLINE FOR THE SHOW EVIL OVERLORD DINNER THEATRE
Dr. Critchlore cleared his throat. "Students and faculty ... It brings me great pleasure to share with you the following live episode of Evil Overlord Dinner Theater. The EOs love to broadcast how they punish people who displease them, and I've been waiting for tonight's episode for months.
"As you know, my nemesis, Dr. Pravus, has been charged with conduct unbefitting a minion-school headmaster. He has broken the Minion School Directives by sabotaging not only us but other minion schools as well. Now, after months of delays, he's finally going to get his due.
"Enjoy."
The scene switched to the council chamber, where five evil overlords sat behind a long desk on an elevated platform, looking down on a contrite Dr. Pravus. I'd seen him in person a few times, and each time I'd felt a desperate urge to crumple into a ball and beg for mercy. Now he stood humbly with his hands clasped in front of him.
Wexmir Smarvy, the EO of Lower Worb, sat at the center of the judges' panel. He was a bull of a man, with a square jaw, a thick mustache, and slicked-back black hair. He leaned forward to speak into his microphone, but no sound came out. A man rushed over to fix the problem, fiddling with some wires on the desk. He tapped the microphone, which echoed with his thumps, then motioned for Smarvy to continue.
Wexmir Smarvy rose from his seat, towering over the worker. He grabbed the poor guy and threw him over the table and onto the floor. Two workers ran out to drag him away. Smarvy sat down as if nothing had happened.
"Dr. Pravus," he read, "you are accused of sabotaging other minion schools for the purpose of driving up demand for your own minions. This is a serious breach of the Minion School Directives, and if found guilty ... well, you know the punishment."
"I do."
Dr. Critchlore's voice chimed in over the video feed, "School license revoked, public shaming, and then banishment to Skelterdam. Yes!"
"We have written testimony from five schools detailing the sabotage they've experienced," Smarvy continued, "and also the evidence that you were behind it."
"Of course they blame me," Dr. Pravus said. "I am the superior trainer of minions, so naturally they will use any excuse to bring me down. I expect that. But please don't act like I'm not a victim too."
This was met by a few sideways looks by the EOs.
"You have been sabotaged?" Fraze Coldheart asked.
"I have." Dr. Pravus turned and sniffed, his body shaking with sobs. He held up a hand to ask for a moment to compose himself. "Yesterday ..." His voice squeaked. He cleared his throat and continued. "Yesterday, my giant gorilla enclosure was destroyed when a sinkhole opened up beneath it. Every one of my ... my ..." He shook his head, sadness turning to anger. "It was sabotage!"
It felt like the breath had been sucked out of the room, both here in the cafeteria and among the evil overlords. Dr. Pravus's giant gorillas, the most terrifying beasts on the Porvian Continent, were gone?
"And I know who did it," Dr. Pravus said.
I looked at Darthin, who looked at Frankie, who looked at Eloni, who looked at Boris, who looked confused.
"Critchlore?" Eloni asked.
"No, not Critchlore," I said. "Sabotage is one thing. But this—Someone murdered those gorillas."
After the shock had passed, Fraze Coldheart asked, "Who? And why?"
Dr. Pravus frowned at him, which I thought was very bold.
"Pravus sure hates Coldheart," Eloni said, echoing my thoughts. "I wonder why."
"Maybe Fraze Coldheart stole Pravus's dessert," Boris said, with a hard scowl at Eloni. Eloni got up to get another dessert for Boris.
On the screen, Pravus turned to Wexmir Smarvy as if he had asked the question.
"Everyone knows my giant gorillas are the most dangerous beasts on the Porvian Continent," Dr. Pravus said. "Despite that ridiculous rumor about their falling in love too easily. Please. One untrained teenager shouldn't be taken as representative of the group. They are strong and intelligent. Unstoppable!
"And so a rival of mine—I'm not naming names, but a man so desperate to reach my level that he'd do anything to bring me down, Dr. Critch—um ... someone applied a rock-dissolving substance to the ground below, and pffft! Now they're gone." He bowed his head. "I blame myself," he said, wiping a tear. "The enclosure was just outside our school grounds. If only I'd made the area more secure."
"Your giant gorillas ... perished?"
Dr. Pravus nodded his head. "Every last one."
There were murmurs among the EOs. Wexmir Smarvy looked smugly happy. He'd already recruited some giant gorillas, and now he had the only ones left.
"That liar!" Dr. Critchlore's voice exploded out of the television. "He did it himself, to deflect the blame!"
"It's strange timing, don't you think?" Fraze Coldheart said, echoing Dr. Critchlore's suspicions. "The day before you are to appear before us, you suffer the same crime that you are accused of committing."
"It's hard not to think that you staged this yourself," Maya Tupo added.
"It's what I would have done," Cera Bacculus agreed.
"I'm flattered that you believe me so cunning," Dr. Pravus said. "Unfortunately, it is not the case. I've been much too busy with my latest project. You see, I've come into a bit of information about a minion that will make my giant gorillas look like helpless little imps in comparison."
A chorus of boos filled the cafeteria as imps threw food at the screen.
"I'm very close. I have assembled the, er, subjects. I only need to make sure they are properly trained. I assure you, you will not be disappointed. In addition—"
Wexmir Smarvy held his hand up to stop him. The EOs covered their microphones and conferred quietly with one another. Very quickly they were ready to give their verdict.
"Dr. Pravus," Wexmir Smarvy said, "we are of the opinion that you had a hand in the sabotage of the other schools. It's not without a little admiration that we've followed your tactics. But this sabotaging behavior must stop, and we cannot allow rule breaking to go unpunished.
"My suggestion of banishment has been overruled by my colleagues, who point out that you've excelled at training minions for over two decades. We're also intrigued about this new minion of yours. So, in conclusion, if you pay a restitution minion to each school and promise not to sabotage again, we will dismiss this case."
"I promise," Dr. Pravus said, looking as sincere as an imp promising not to prank anybody.
The video feed cut to Dr. Critchlore, who looked livid. His voice roared, "So he gets away with it! Not a lick of punishment! It's outrageous!" He collected his composure and stared right at us. "Students, this is disastrous news, which will have dire consequences for us. Dire! I am hereby invoking the Prime Imperative. Stand by for instructions."
We looked at one another, wondering what this meant.
"Did he say he was in Voking?" Boris asked. "Because I was in Voking once. There's nothing to do there."
Darthin explained that Dr. Critchlore meant he was making a command. But none of us had ever heard of the Prime Imperative.
"Well, 'prime' means of the first importance," Darthin, our human dictionary, said, "and 'imperative,' when used as a noun, means an absolute requirement. Whatever it is, it sounds ominous."
"You've never heard of it happening before?" Frankie asked me. I shook my head.
Rumors swirled through the room, causing more panic and unease than a ghost invasion.
"He's going to ask us to attack the Pravus Academy," a monkey-man guessed.
"That's crazy," said the monkey-man next to him. "We'd be crushed, and Dr. Critchlore would be banished to Skelterdam."
"I bet he's going to get rid of all the humans," an upperclassman said. "Get back to training monsters. That's the first duty of a minion school."
I didn't know if it was the green beans or the rumors, but suddenly I felt very sick.
The next morning everyone showed up to breakfast early, hoping to hear more about the Prime Imperative. My human table was met by more than a few looks of pity. Some monsters pointed to us and then made slashing gestures across their throats, clearly indicating they thought we were goners.
"Maybe we could transfer to Minion Prep?" Darthin said.
My stomach clenched. I'd grown up here. I didn't want to go anywhere else.
At last the giant screen on the wall of the cafeteria blinked on, and our headmaster's face greeted us.
"Good morning," he said. He looked exhausted, like he'd been up all night. "I know you are all wondering about the Prime Imperative."
My breath caught in my throat.
"I have to apologize. I overreacted after seeing my archenemy escape the punishment he so richly deserved." He smiled. "We're fine. Everything's fine. There's no need to worry about anything."
Students murmured and looked at one another, confusion plain on each face. This was quite a switch in attitude.
"Indeed, everything is peachy keen. Things are going so well, in fact, that I've decided we all deserve a little fun. How about we move the annual Minion Games up in the schedule? In fact, let's start them right now!"
The whole room erupted in cheers. Everyone loved the Minion Games. They normally took place near the end of the year—a week of fun and games after the grueling work of the term. It was, without a doubt, the highlight of the school year.
"See? How could things not be completely fine if we are giving up our studies to play?" Dr. Critchlore continued. "Competition teams will be assigned ... this evening! The contest will begin tomorrow! Let the games begin!"
Everyone in the cafeteria whooped with happiness. But then I noticed the look on Dr. Critchlore's face before the screen blinked off. He looked frightened.