Legend tells us an Undefeatable Minion was created generations ago. It caused so much horrific damage that the knowledge of how it came to be was locked away, never to be used again.
—THE HISTORY OF WAR, BY DUNGA POX
After that, I headed to my junior henchman class. The six desks were arranged in an arc, facing the front and Professor Murphy's enormous desk.
I took my seat next to Meztli, the exchange student were-jaguar from the southern continent of Orgal. Next to him was Jud, a werewolf, and then came Rufus, the alpha werewolf, and then Janet, the most perfect girl ever. She was smart and funny and nice, and had a smile that made me feel fluttery inside when it was aimed at me. At the far end of the row sat Frieda, the ogre.
Our test scores had been posted on the board. Professor Murphy was the sort of teacher who thought humiliation motivated a minion to work harder. It had the opposite effect on me—it made me feel like quitting.
There I was, on the bottom, with a giant F next to my name. Janet, Freida, and Jud had As, Meztli had a B-minus, and Rufus had a C-minus. Rufus might be Professor Murphy's favorite, but it wasn't due to hard work. He did only enough to pass and no more.
"You got an F?" Meztli whispered to me.
"I ate the apple," I said. "You?"
"I ate the mouse."
Ew. He must have noticed my expression. "I'm a cat." He shrugged. "Nobody said not to."
Professor Murphy began a lecture that summed up our lesson on food safety. The loud clock seemed to slow down again, and the whole room felt smothered by boredom. I watched Meztli swat his pencil to the edge of his desk. He looked at it for a second and then pushed it off.
At last Professor Murphy turned to the subject we were all waiting for—the Minion Games.
"Our next subject was going to be interrogation techniques, but it will have to wait," he said. "As you know, Dr. Pravus has not been banished, as we'd hoped. This, in itself, is not a problem for our school, as Dr. Critchlore is the superior trainer of minions. However, Dr. Pravus now possesses a dangerous piece of information."
Unlike the others, I already knew that Dr. Pravus had broken into the Great Library and stolen The Top Secret Book of Minions—Translated Edition. We'd stopped him from taking over the library and erased his memory of its location, but not before he'd passed the dangerous book to his henchman. The TSBM was believed to contain the secret instructions for creating an Undefeatable Minion.
"As he mentioned, he's currently training a minion so fierce it will put all others to shame. That minion, we believe, is the legendary Undefeatable Minion."
The five kids next to me gasped. Realizing I wasn't supposed to know this already, I gasped too, a second later, which made everyone look at me like I was an idiot.
"The only way to stop Pravus from taking over the minion business is to make our own Undefeatable Minion," Professor Murphy went on. "Dr. Critchlore has the same information, but it's coded in an ancient language that has been very difficult to decipher. This means that Pravus has a huge lead on us."
"What exactly is an Undefeatable Minion?" Janet asked.
"They were first created accidentally hundreds of years ago, or so legend tells us. A freak convergence of random events gave birth to the most powerful, indestructible beasts ever known. They killed everything and destroyed entire cities. So devastating was their power that the knowledge of their creation was placed in a coded book, which was then hidden away."
"If they couldn't be defeated, what happened to them?" Frieda asked.
"We don't know." Professor Murphy said. "That's why they are thought to be mythical."
"How does something become indestructible?" Jud asked.
"We don't know that, either. To re-create those random events, we think we need four things. The first one is a mineral, which Dr. Frankenhammer believes is the key ingredient for a potion of some kind. If we are to catch up with Dr. Pravus, we need to find that mineral.
"Chances are, if it's that vital, it won't be for sale in the local mineral store. We'll have to go out and find it ourselves, much as we do when we go on field trips to find the death flower that Dr. Frankenhammer uses for his zombie-repellent potion. Dr. Critchlore plans to assemble teams to search for the mineral."
Professor Murphy began pacing. "We're using the Minion Games to evaluate every student here, to determine which minions will best be able to perform certain tasks.
"You junior henchmen trainees are privileged to know this information, and it must remain secret." He turned to me with an extra-hard stare. "To the rest of the student body, this year's Minion Games are no different from any other year. A time for fun. But you junior henchman trainees will know that these games are the most important test the minions will ever face, because the fate of the school lies in the results. We expect you to do your best and, as future leaders, to get the best out of others."
Rufus and Jud fist-bumped. They loved the Minion Games, which they regularly dominated. The Minion Games highlighted monster skills, of which I had ... none.
"As you know," Professor Murphy went on, "junior henchmen trainees are placed on teams with the minions they're leading through the mentor program. For you third-years, this will be the first test of your skills as a leader. You've had a few months of training. Let's see what you and your minions can do.
"I shouldn't have to tell you that this will factor into your final grade. While regular classes have been postponed, my evaluation will rest solely on your performance in the games. Those of you who are struggling"—he pointed to Rufus's and my names on the board—"now have a chance to improve."
"But, sir?" I said. "I don't have any minions to lead."
"Runt." Professor Murphy sighed. "As I often say, one must learn to lead oneself successfully before leading others."
"So ... that means?"
"You need to stop relying on others to fix your problems."
I felt my face grow warm, and I slouched lower in my chair.
When Professor Murphy dismissed us, I reached the door at the same time as Frieda, who looked as worried as I felt.
"What's the matter?" I asked her as we left the classroom. "You love the games."
"I do, but my ogre-men first-years don't listen to me," she said.
"Because you're a girl?" I asked.
"No, because they're ogre-men. They don't listen to anybody."
Rufus turned around at this. "You need to be tough with them, Frieda. Scream at them, physically threaten them. You're too nice. You have to rule by intimidation."
Frieda looked puzzled. I don't think anyone had ever told her that she was too nice. She routinely sat on smaller kids, pretending she didn't see them.
"My mummies do what I say," Rufus bragged. "Why? Because if they don't, I'll unwrap them."
"You can't!" I said. That was a terrible threat.
"Make 'em too scared to fail," Rufus said, ignoring me. "That's motivation."
We reached the castle foyer and everyone headed outside for free period, but I veered over to the dungeon stairs. Before heading down, I felt a hand on my arm.
"Runt," Janet said. She looked at the front door, which had just closed behind Rufus, then turned back to me. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm leaving school for a couple weeks."
"Oh?" I said, unable to mask my disappointment. "Do you need someone to collect your homework?"
"No, I'm fine," she said. "I just wanted to tell you to be careful."
"Sure, okay," I said.
"No, you don't understand." She grabbed both of my arms, and my insides fluttered with happiness. Janet Desmarais was talking to me. Touching me. Where was that slow clock when you needed it? I didn't want this moment to end.
"You need to be really careful," she said. "Rufus is so mad that you're still in the Junior Henchmen Program. I don't know why he hates you so much, but I've heard him joke about how accidents happen all the time, especially to weak little humans. I know he's joking, but he also kind of isn't—you know?"
"Don't worry," I said. "I've gotten good at avoiding him. Have a great trip."
"Thanks," she said. Then she hugged me and whispered in my ear, "Runt, you're not who you think you are."
I gasped. Partly because of the electric thrill I felt from hearing those words, and partly because I'd just spotted Rufus coming back inside to look for Janet. And here I stood, hugging her. I think his canines grew two inches as he snarled at me.